This is who I am...

...today:

I had a pretty good day all in all. It was Super-Windy in the afternoon where I meet with KSN from across the street when the kids play after school.

I had a nice meeting that The Healing Place (THP). We talked about Monday of this week, my cousin MLM messaged me on Facebook. Said she'd been trying to find me on there for months, but that was the first day it pulled me up - I told her that I guess that was the day that God decided it was ok for it to happen... and I believe that. It's funny though because I've actually been checking out her page for years.... Never contacting though - and maybe one day I'll share here why.

Anyway - as we're doing the preliminary "How're the kids and such", I'm checking out her Wall. And I see some posts that get me to thinking. Posts like "I miss my Granny so much right now" and "Granny's scent is still on her robe". Those kinds of things. I'm a little confused thinking maybe she'd (MLM) gone down to see Granny or something - but no. It's the obvious... See?

Granny died. My mother's mother.
March 12, 2011.
And I found out on April 11. From a Facebook post - on the wall of my cousin from my mother's sister.
What a way to find out....
My mother, obviously, didn't let me know... and that's no big surprise. Unfortunately.
And again - maybe one day here I'll share why.

Back to THP - we(as in me) also talked about how I was just then getting to see with clear eyes - how messed up I'd been over these past two years (and of course - well prior, too) Living in a constant state of fear and denial and shock and horror and emptyness and sadness.

We(as in me) talked about how for these 40 years I'd been given the clear message that "I" was not ok... not valuable... not worthy... an object to bring some form of gratification and appeasement to the Ego(s) of Others. We (as in we) had been discussing this as part of work on Boundaries. And how I previously had none. As in zip, nada, nil, no-kinda-no-how. And how sad it was to see that..... And how I just kept reaching out and would receive negligence or opposition reinforcing this message of my lack of value. To my mother, my father, my now ex-husband, my former m-i-l.... (Those people who held the Most Significance in my life.... were all powerfully negatively impacting - some outright abusive - others much more covert and insidiuous)

We (as in we) discussed about how my Boundaries work with other people. And I explained that I didn't really have "boundary-busters" in the arenas outside of this "inner circle" - (Which if you knew was really quite funny considering how small my world is and that I have virtually No Contact with two of my Most Significant "boundary-buster".) And she (my dear counselor) said, "So those other people accept your 'No'"... and I agreed - but also added that what was so interesting about the Most Significant Ones is that their message was all the same - and it wasn't just that my 'No' wasn't ok - but that 'I' was not ok.

It was quite interesting. And I'm learning now how God takes care of those things. And that He needs to be my most-significant... and not the other ones. He needs to be my motivation.... Pleasing Him Who Loves Me and not those who never will the way I need to be loved. And I'm getting there.

I'm human. I'll never be perfected here on Earth - and I certainly cannot live in disappointment over this, but rather rejoice for Jesus was... and in Him I am saved from who I might have been if God had not called me His Own.

Maybe-  if you're lucky... I'll get a little more streamlined in my thoughts about all of this. You'll find it's quite 'soap-opera-ish' (my life)... and that's not just coming from me. There are better days ahead - I keep getting that message. And one day I'll be freer than I feel now. There are some good things happening (and about to happen)... I just really needed to get some of this out on the table. It's been a big ugly mess and there is a lot to sort out. I'm learning to figure out what it worth keeping and what is not... according to God - and what He would have for me.

That's it for now.