Today I Just Hurt

I'm angry on the inside. Despite what my outward appearance might suggest.

I'm sad over the loss - and suppose I always will be.

I'm sad I'll never have your acceptance - or - sad that your acceptance of me will not be.

I'm angry that you keep saying my love changed - when the changes in me you experienced were coming to understanding that your love never really was.

My heart breaks every day.

And even when I remember the "good days" - I still am gripped with pain.

I don't know what is truth with you. I don't know that I ever will. And sadly - I don't hear much from you that says there really every was any.

I hate writing about this, but what else can I do? Talking with you only leaves me burdened with frustration.
Sharing it with others bores them near to death.

I hurt all the time. All the time. On the inside.
And today I'm angry about that.

I try to keep up the faith - and lean on the Lord for His Love is greater than any other.
I want to be whole. And I wanted to be whole with you.

How can you say that emotional/psychological abuse and threats of violence should have been accepted?
How can you say that constant infidelity should be loved by me?
How can you say that I'm wrong to say no to those things which God says are "No"?

Can you answer this please? I believe even if you can, you won't.
Can you tell me why the harder I prayed the worse it became?
Can you answer why when I talked in confidence of the good things to come there would be rage thrown back at me?
Can you tell me why I still care? No one else can.
Maybe you know?

Why couldn't you just tell me it wasn't me? How could you say I was "the one" for you and move-in with another?
Why did it have to be MY responsibility to PROVE my love to you by LETTING you continue to do the things that were tearing us all apart?

I'm angry on the inside today. Despite what my outward appearance might suggest.

I'm feeling hurt. I'm feeling sorry. I'm feeling lonely. I'm feeling dejected and sad and unhappy and

SOOOOOOOO VEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRYYYYYYYY AAAAANNNNNNNNGGRRYYY

.... so very angry. so very angy. so very angry. so very angry. so very angry.

I'll never have the life you promised me. I'll never have that chance again. And I'm oh-so-very-angry that your answer STILL and ALWAYS is that it's my fault.

hating these feelings of hate and anger today.

and who really cares anyway????

I'll never be free of what you put in my head. It'll only grow more distant. but I'll never be free of it. You can't make it go away. You can't take it back. You don't even care to - and you don't care about me.

I'll never be free of what you did to me. I'll never be free to be free where you're concerned.
My whole life still revolves around you - and you haven't lived here in almost 2 years. I"m still scared. I'm still fearful. I'm still concerned. I'm still hurt. I still love you so very much. And I'm still so VERY VERY VERY VERY ANGRY!

And nobody cares but me.