I'm angry on the inside. Despite what my outward appearance might suggest.
I'm sad over the loss - and suppose I always will be.
I'm sad I'll never have your acceptance - or - sad that your acceptance of me will not be.
I'm angry that you keep saying my love changed - when the changes in me you experienced were coming to understanding that your love never really was.
My heart breaks every day.
And even when I remember the "good days" - I still am gripped with pain.
I don't know what is truth with you. I don't know that I ever will. And sadly - I don't hear much from you that says there really every was any.
I hate writing about this, but what else can I do? Talking with you only leaves me burdened with frustration.
Sharing it with others bores them near to death.
I hurt all the time. All the time. On the inside.
And today I'm angry about that.
I try to keep up the faith - and lean on the Lord for His Love is greater than any other.
I want to be whole. And I wanted to be whole with you.
How can you say that emotional/psychological abuse and threats of violence should have been accepted?
How can you say that constant infidelity should be loved by me?
How can you say that I'm wrong to say no to those things which God says are "No"?
Can you answer this please? I believe even if you can, you won't.
Can you tell me why the harder I prayed the worse it became?
Can you answer why when I talked in confidence of the good things to come there would be rage thrown back at me?
Can you tell me why I still care? No one else can.
Maybe you know?
Why couldn't you just tell me it wasn't me? How could you say I was "the one" for you and move-in with another?
Why did it have to be MY responsibility to PROVE my love to you by LETTING you continue to do the things that were tearing us all apart?
I'm angry on the inside today. Despite what my outward appearance might suggest.
I'm feeling hurt. I'm feeling sorry. I'm feeling lonely. I'm feeling dejected and sad and unhappy and
SOOOOOOOO VEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRYYYYYYYY AAAAANNNNNNNNGGRRYYY
.... so very angry. so very angy. so very angry. so very angry. so very angry.
I'll never have the life you promised me. I'll never have that chance again. And I'm oh-so-very-angry that your answer STILL and ALWAYS is that it's my fault.
hating these feelings of hate and anger today.
and who really cares anyway????
I'll never be free of what you put in my head. It'll only grow more distant. but I'll never be free of it. You can't make it go away. You can't take it back. You don't even care to - and you don't care about me.
I'll never be free of what you did to me. I'll never be free to be free where you're concerned.
My whole life still revolves around you - and you haven't lived here in almost 2 years. I"m still scared. I'm still fearful. I'm still concerned. I'm still hurt. I still love you so very much. And I'm still so VERY VERY VERY VERY ANGRY!
And nobody cares but me.
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Saturday, April 16, 2011
I Knew You When
...and I thought highly of you back then. Apparently, today is no exception.
I just wanted to say thanks.
Thanks for: First and foremost for being my friend; then making me smile, and laughing out loud - to this very day!
Thanks for: Challenging me and encouraging me. Lifting me up and catching my fall. For even talking to me after I _______. (every time) For giving me the 'real you'. For your expressions of concern over my well-being. For teaching me such wonderful things - even decades down the road. For the brilliant and vivid, most-pleasant of memories. For -in general- being the most fantastic You.
Time and Facebook tell me you are much the same as then. And I think it grand! You're beautiful, you know? All the way around. I'm pleased-as-punch to be in contact (however limited it may be) with a group of such:
talented, intelligent, thought-provoking, creative, entertaining, enlightening, compassionate, driven, motivated, uplifting, delightful, charming, insightful, witty, influential, thoughtful and let us not forget exceptionally good-looking individuals. Shall I go on...?
It makes me happy to see you where you are - for the most part. For some of you I ache over your shattered dreams, but marvel at the way you remained true and are getting there anyway. This gives me hope. And others - with the understanding life brings challenges to all - remain picture-perfect, just as expected. This brings me confidence.
If I ever let you down or surprised you with disappointing behavior, I can assure you - you are in good company. (Just check the tags.) I'm sorry for it. But I'm not sorry for what I've learned from it. So, thanks for that, too.
I, for one, think you're great. It wouldn't have been the same without you.
Thanks.
I just wanted to say thanks.
Thanks for: First and foremost for being my friend; then making me smile, and laughing out loud - to this very day!
Thanks for: Challenging me and encouraging me. Lifting me up and catching my fall. For even talking to me after I _______. (every time) For giving me the 'real you'. For your expressions of concern over my well-being. For teaching me such wonderful things - even decades down the road. For the brilliant and vivid, most-pleasant of memories. For -in general- being the most fantastic You.
Time and Facebook tell me you are much the same as then. And I think it grand! You're beautiful, you know? All the way around. I'm pleased-as-punch to be in contact (however limited it may be) with a group of such:
talented, intelligent, thought-provoking, creative, entertaining, enlightening, compassionate, driven, motivated, uplifting, delightful, charming, insightful, witty, influential, thoughtful and let us not forget exceptionally good-looking individuals. Shall I go on...?
It makes me happy to see you where you are - for the most part. For some of you I ache over your shattered dreams, but marvel at the way you remained true and are getting there anyway. This gives me hope. And others - with the understanding life brings challenges to all - remain picture-perfect, just as expected. This brings me confidence.
If I ever let you down or surprised you with disappointing behavior, I can assure you - you are in good company. (Just check the tags.) I'm sorry for it. But I'm not sorry for what I've learned from it. So, thanks for that, too.
I, for one, think you're great. It wouldn't have been the same without you.
Thanks.
Friday, April 15, 2011
This is who I am...
...today:
I had a pretty good day all in all. It was Super-Windy in the afternoon where I meet with KSN from across the street when the kids play after school.
I had a nice meeting that The Healing Place (THP). We talked about Monday of this week, my cousin MLM messaged me on Facebook. Said she'd been trying to find me on there for months, but that was the first day it pulled me up - I told her that I guess that was the day that God decided it was ok for it to happen... and I believe that. It's funny though because I've actually been checking out her page for years.... Never contacting though - and maybe one day I'll share here why.
Anyway - as we're doing the preliminary "How're the kids and such", I'm checking out her Wall. And I see some posts that get me to thinking. Posts like "I miss my Granny so much right now" and "Granny's scent is still on her robe". Those kinds of things. I'm a little confused thinking maybe she'd (MLM) gone down to see Granny or something - but no. It's the obvious... See?
Granny died. My mother's mother.
March 12, 2011.
And I found out on April 11. From a Facebook post - on the wall of my cousin from my mother's sister.
What a way to find out....
My mother, obviously, didn't let me know... and that's no big surprise. Unfortunately.
And again - maybe one day here I'll share why.
Back to THP - we(as in me) also talked about how I was just then getting to see with clear eyes - how messed up I'd been over these past two years (and of course - well prior, too) Living in a constant state of fear and denial and shock and horror and emptyness and sadness.
We(as in me) talked about how for these 40 years I'd been given the clear message that "I" was not ok... not valuable... not worthy... an object to bring some form of gratification and appeasement to the Ego(s) of Others. We (as in we) had been discussing this as part of work on Boundaries. And how I previously had none. As in zip, nada, nil, no-kinda-no-how. And how sad it was to see that..... And how I just kept reaching out and would receive negligence or opposition reinforcing this message of my lack of value. To my mother, my father, my now ex-husband, my former m-i-l.... (Those people who held the Most Significance in my life.... were all powerfully negatively impacting - some outright abusive - others much more covert and insidiuous)
We (as in we) discussed about how my Boundaries work with other people. And I explained that I didn't really have "boundary-busters" in the arenas outside of this "inner circle" - (Which if you knew was really quite funny considering how small my world is and that I have virtually No Contact with two of my Most Significant "boundary-buster".) And she (my dear counselor) said, "So those other people accept your 'No'"... and I agreed - but also added that what was so interesting about the Most Significant Ones is that their message was all the same - and it wasn't just that my 'No' wasn't ok - but that 'I' was not ok.
It was quite interesting. And I'm learning now how God takes care of those things. And that He needs to be my most-significant... and not the other ones. He needs to be my motivation.... Pleasing Him Who Loves Me and not those who never will the way I need to be loved. And I'm getting there.
I'm human. I'll never be perfected here on Earth - and I certainly cannot live in disappointment over this, but rather rejoice for Jesus was... and in Him I am saved from who I might have been if God had not called me His Own.
Maybe- if you're lucky... I'll get a little more streamlined in my thoughts about all of this. You'll find it's quite 'soap-opera-ish' (my life)... and that's not just coming from me. There are better days ahead - I keep getting that message. And one day I'll be freer than I feel now. There are some good things happening (and about to happen)... I just really needed to get some of this out on the table. It's been a big ugly mess and there is a lot to sort out. I'm learning to figure out what it worth keeping and what is not... according to God - and what He would have for me.
That's it for now.
I had a pretty good day all in all. It was Super-Windy in the afternoon where I meet with KSN from across the street when the kids play after school.
I had a nice meeting that The Healing Place (THP). We talked about Monday of this week, my cousin MLM messaged me on Facebook. Said she'd been trying to find me on there for months, but that was the first day it pulled me up - I told her that I guess that was the day that God decided it was ok for it to happen... and I believe that. It's funny though because I've actually been checking out her page for years.... Never contacting though - and maybe one day I'll share here why.
Anyway - as we're doing the preliminary "How're the kids and such", I'm checking out her Wall. And I see some posts that get me to thinking. Posts like "I miss my Granny so much right now" and "Granny's scent is still on her robe". Those kinds of things. I'm a little confused thinking maybe she'd (MLM) gone down to see Granny or something - but no. It's the obvious... See?
Granny died. My mother's mother.
March 12, 2011.
And I found out on April 11. From a Facebook post - on the wall of my cousin from my mother's sister.
What a way to find out....
My mother, obviously, didn't let me know... and that's no big surprise. Unfortunately.
And again - maybe one day here I'll share why.
Back to THP - we(as in me) also talked about how I was just then getting to see with clear eyes - how messed up I'd been over these past two years (and of course - well prior, too) Living in a constant state of fear and denial and shock and horror and emptyness and sadness.
We(as in me) talked about how for these 40 years I'd been given the clear message that "I" was not ok... not valuable... not worthy... an object to bring some form of gratification and appeasement to the Ego(s) of Others. We (as in we) had been discussing this as part of work on Boundaries. And how I previously had none. As in zip, nada, nil, no-kinda-no-how. And how sad it was to see that..... And how I just kept reaching out and would receive negligence or opposition reinforcing this message of my lack of value. To my mother, my father, my now ex-husband, my former m-i-l.... (Those people who held the Most Significance in my life.... were all powerfully negatively impacting - some outright abusive - others much more covert and insidiuous)
We (as in we) discussed about how my Boundaries work with other people. And I explained that I didn't really have "boundary-busters" in the arenas outside of this "inner circle" - (Which if you knew was really quite funny considering how small my world is and that I have virtually No Contact with two of my Most Significant "boundary-buster".) And she (my dear counselor) said, "So those other people accept your 'No'"... and I agreed - but also added that what was so interesting about the Most Significant Ones is that their message was all the same - and it wasn't just that my 'No' wasn't ok - but that 'I' was not ok.
It was quite interesting. And I'm learning now how God takes care of those things. And that He needs to be my most-significant... and not the other ones. He needs to be my motivation.... Pleasing Him Who Loves Me and not those who never will the way I need to be loved. And I'm getting there.
I'm human. I'll never be perfected here on Earth - and I certainly cannot live in disappointment over this, but rather rejoice for Jesus was... and in Him I am saved from who I might have been if God had not called me His Own.
Maybe- if you're lucky... I'll get a little more streamlined in my thoughts about all of this. You'll find it's quite 'soap-opera-ish' (my life)... and that's not just coming from me. There are better days ahead - I keep getting that message. And one day I'll be freer than I feel now. There are some good things happening (and about to happen)... I just really needed to get some of this out on the table. It's been a big ugly mess and there is a lot to sort out. I'm learning to figure out what it worth keeping and what is not... according to God - and what He would have for me.
That's it for now.
Friday, April 8, 2011
This is the beginning and...
...I'm up and running!
Before we get started, you should know that I am just me.
The thoughts and opinions expressed here are solely mine at the given moment and may or may not agree with yours. If you don't like what I'm saying... challenge me to expand my mind and see things a different way. I might not enjoy it, but I'll love you for it.
I'll talk abuse and recovery, God and Jesus, gut-wrenching pain, overflowing happiness, unspeakable joy, and harrowing sadness, self-expression and self-discovery, truths, lies, radom tidbits of information and the inner-workings of my mind.
Hope to hear from you.....
Before we get started, you should know that I am just me.
The thoughts and opinions expressed here are solely mine at the given moment and may or may not agree with yours. If you don't like what I'm saying... challenge me to expand my mind and see things a different way. I might not enjoy it, but I'll love you for it.
I'll talk abuse and recovery, God and Jesus, gut-wrenching pain, overflowing happiness, unspeakable joy, and harrowing sadness, self-expression and self-discovery, truths, lies, radom tidbits of information and the inner-workings of my mind.
Hope to hear from you.....
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